My oldest child has left the family fold to enter another as an exchange student. She didn’t go off to college like her friends. She is not able to come home for holidays, and we won’t be invited for Family Weekend. In fact, we have been asked not to visit at all. It is essential to her survival and her happiness to bond with her new family and adapt to life in a foreign country. I get all that, I was once an exchange student myself. But now I am the parent letting go for the next ten months. And things look different from this perspective.
I know I’ll miss her, I already do. But as every parent must ask as they wave goodbye is this: did I prepare my child? Is she ready to deal with difficulties far from my shoulder to lean on? Did I do everything I could, and did I do it right?
My guess is I didn’t. How could I have? I don’t know what she will face any more than my parents did. But I covered the bases. She knows how to work for a grade and how to research what she doesn’t know. She can cook a meal, sort laundry, and tell a hammer from a screwdriver. She knows a few outdoor survival skills, and that whining is not an option when things don’t go as expected. And, once burned, not to leave your wallet in a public bathroom, and expect it to be there when you realize your mistake!
Yet there is that life-passing-before-my-eyes feeling, and a list emerges with things I should have taught her, and things I couldn’t teach her, like how to fix a flat tire or to quit biting her fork…please. There is more that I can’t change, but it’s not too late for me to learn something. My job now is to listen when she calls, and not ask if she is still wearing her retainer at night, to appreciate that my work is done and to admire her beautiful wings.
It’s time to close my eyes and believe, so we can both jump.
And after a little fluttering and flapping, you will BOTH fly, even soar!
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I can tell from your heartfelt description that you HAVE done a wonderful job- the best you could do. Your daughter is blessed. She, I’m sure, will thrive in this new experience and you both will grow into this new stage of being mother/daughter.
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Thanks Laura, getting her out of the house was almost as painful as her birth! Details to follow!
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Sounds like you speak from experience Beth. Every pat on the back feels good.
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Julie, it sounds like you have prepared her well. I don’t think it’s ever easy to let go, whether they are in kindergarten or entering adulthood!
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I cried a lot more leaving her at Kindergarten when she was three (Germany) even though it was only for 3 hrs!
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Like everyone else, it sounds like you prepared her well. She’ll learn many more lessons abroad. I hope she hangs onto her wallet. 🙂 Good luck adjusting too. Are you allowed to Skype and stuff? I studied in Italy and I remember those important calls, but was shielded from the cost my parents paid for them. Now, it seems like it would be less painful – cost wise anyway.
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After she reaches her host family we can Skype, but I figure we shouldn’t overdo it either. When I went I think I got a home phone call every other month! I became a master letter write in fine print on onion skin paper! When were you there Stacey?
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It was 21 (ouch) years ago. I recall letters on the foldable air mail paper!
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For me it was 30 yrs – hurts a little more!
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ah, yes….you know i am in a similar boat, even though my son is only 1,5 hours drive south of here….but i did ask the same sort of questions- did i do enough to prepare him, did i love him enough and let him feel that, will some of those life lessons finally be remembered at the right moment….He does not have a host family to bond with, and i have resisted the urge to text him every half hour. I know my job is done, yet it is never really done.
Thank you for writing it down so eloquently.
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No, I guess it is never really done, but it has certainly changed.
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Beautiful post & beautiful art. Sounds like she’s prepared to meet life independently thanks to you.
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Thanks Penny. Guess something rubbed off: she used the word ‘wonderfully’ to describe how she is doing (after she hacked the internet!).
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I’m sure she’ll have a super time and it will definitely be character-building. I au paired in Paris and what a year that was. I still recall so much of it like the time I walked from south to north listening to the Beegees. It’s very character-building. best of luck to your daughter.
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I like picturing you à pied avec les Beegees (bet I got that wrong, but you get the jist!). Liv had considered au pair, but applied and got a scholarship, which we were not going to argue!
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Scholarship sounds way more productive 🙂
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Good luck to your daughter! I hope all goes well for you and her!.
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Thanks you Erik!
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Such a lovely post, Julie, and one I can relate to so well. I’ve got one off at college, another on the verge, kids driving all of a sudden – so many new and potentially hazardous things and after a point we can’t protect them and have to leave it up to them and hope we’ve taught them well. But it ain’t easy! 🙂
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Thanks Susanna. It’s the quiet I am finding strange. My daughter sings all the time (we had to make rules for dinner!) and my ‘leftover’ son (HS junior) doesn’t waste words!
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